We have a few friends who are waiting on the Centralized
Selection (Command) List to be released.
Those who I have spoken with have shared concerns about whether their
spouse would be selected for this crazy gig and if so, where would they be
stationed. It’s a very familiar and
exciting feeling.
Prior to Tony taking battalion command we spent a week at
Fort Leavenworth, KS at what is commonly referred to as PCC, the Pre-Command
Course. We participated in joint and
individual sessions designed to help prepare us for the ride on which we were
about to embark. It was a good
week. Exhausting, but a good week set
aside to begin to formulate a plan about how we would approach Tony’s time in
command as a team.
I’m glad we had the opportunity to attend PCC but here’s the
deal--it’s very difficult to truly prepare for what’s headed your way. While I acknowledge the experience is unique
for every family, I think those of us who have been there can all say it’s
pretty darn intense. I am by no means an
expert but here is what I think someone should
have said to us spouses while attending PCC.
1.
The
unbelievable stories are the true stories.
Sure there will be the run of the
mill things that you expect and some of those things may happen. Then there are the “couldn’t make it up if I
tried” stories and those are the ones that really
happen. There will be days that are
truly bizarre and you will shake your head in disbelief. Just hang tight because it will get weirder. It will all make for good laughs in a couple
of years.
2.
Make real
friends at your duty station. I am
not talking about people you chat with in passing (those are good too but stick
with me here) but real friends. Real friends that you can laugh and cry with,
share ideas, help each other out with kids, and just enjoy some downtime
together. Most important to me were a
couple of ladies within our brigade—people who knew the nuances of our larger
unit and simply “got it” without a lot of back story, a group of neighbors from
outside of the brigade who’s spouses were in the same type of position, a few
people totally removed from command life but with an understanding of the Army,
and then those tried and true friends from home who rarely, if ever, wanted to
talk “Army”. You are going to need these
people more than you would ever think, and they are going to need you.
3.
Please don’t
try to compete with the other command team spouses in your brigade or
installation. There’s not too much
to say about this besides that nobody likes a snake. It’s
ugly and it’s wrong and people know exactly what you are up to. And while we’re at it, can we get rid of the
Military Spouse of the Year/Volunteer of the Planet awards? It’s gross.
4.
People
are going to die. Whether your
spouse’s unit experiences a deployment or not, people still die. Accidents happen. Poor decisions happen. Soldiers may die. Spouses may die. Worst of all, children may die. It is heartbreaking whether you know the
Soldier/Family personally or not. Allow
yourself time to grieve and know when to take a time out.
5.
Try to
set aside a night each week to have dinner as a Family at a normal time. It doesn’t have to be the same day each week
but give it a shot. I held dinner for
Tony most nights because our oldest child was just in pre-school and bedtime
could be flexed, but that isn’t the case for most Families in this
position. You have
to make time to reconnect during the week.
Plan to do a weekly calendar scrub on this evening. Calendars = life, even if they do change
before the dishes are cleared from the table.
6.
Don’t let
bitterness take over. I admit
it. There were some weeks when I was
BIT-TER. Bitter about the lack of Family
time. Bitter because I felt like a
single parent. Bitter because it seemed
that every other Family in the unit came before ours. (Let’s be real. Many times they did.) Bitter because sometimes Soldiers and Leaders
make bad decisions. I hate that I felt that
way and I hate that I hung on to it longer than necessary. Bitterness helps nothing.
7.
Ask for help if/when you need it. I had multiple friends who used their unit’s
MFLC or a professional counselor when shit got tough. Don’t be afraid to reach out. It might be once during the entire tour or it
might be twice a week. Use them and
encourage others to do the same. That’s
what they are there for.
8.
Battalion
connections are priceless. If you
are willing, you will find spouses and Soldiers within your unit that you
absolutely adore and form a true connection with. After seeing your spouse doing what he loves,
this is hands down the BEST part of command.
There is the potential for these to be friendships that you will
treasure for the rest of your life. Be
open to them and then thank God for them.
They will make the tough and ugly times worth it. There might also be a few you would like to
punch in the throat. Over and over
again. Don’t do it. It’s not worth scuffing your mani.
9.
However
you choose to embrace the role, you are still the senior spouse in the unit. Back in the day the Army used to call the
person in this position the “leading lady”.
It’s all kind of ridiculous and hilarious but the bottom line is there
are going to be some ladies looking for guidance on how to make their way
through this crazy Army life. No one
expects you to have all of the answers and everyone approaches this role in
their own way but make no mistake, how
you treat people matters. It matters
a lot. Maya Angelou said it better than
I could ever dream of saying it…”I've learned that people will forget what you
said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you
made them feel.” Treat them well. Treat them all with some grace and whole lot
of humility.
10.
Don’t
take it all so seriously. Looking
back, there are many times I can think of that I wish I would have just
loosened up and enjoyed the ride a little more.
Often there was so much on my plate and so little time to do it. That can become a dangerous combination. Towards the end of Tony’s command time I
started to ask myself, “Will it matter in a month?” If the answer was no, I relaxed a bit and
enjoyed my own Family and the battalion a little more.
Our Army is a unique
organization. We view our experiences
over the 18 years we have shared together as some of the very best life has to
offer. There have been disappointments
and many difficult times but looking back, I truly could not imagine our life
any other way. I wish those who are
about to experience one of the most unique parts of Army life nothing but the
absolute best. Your Family will make
significant sacrifices for the rest of our Army and our nation. We are so incredibly grateful. It’s tough but it’s a beautiful thing.
Enjoy the ride!